The trouble with keeping friends; is not always having the right ones.
There are some things I don’t, nor will never understand. I never before found this to be something worth discussing or even caring about. But I’ve been drinking quite a bit lately, and it gave me some time to think about certain things. My relationships with family, and with friends, and in this case faux friends. And also how many of them have piled up over the years.
It goes without saying to many people who know me personally, that I don’t actually get close to many people. Usually for me to make a friend, they have to come to me. That’s not to say I’m someone who is not open to conversation or greeting strangers. I live in the American South, and just walking by someone with out simple greeting is generally considered rude. I will give most people that much at least. What gets to me, is when I have a friend that I’m close with, and then there’s some strange falling out. It’s hard to describe, but what was once daily or at least somewhat regular conversation and contact just seems to suddenly fade away into nothingness. These people just stop talking, are cold or distant when they greet you, and pretty much seem to almost avoid, but never mention why. It bugs me. Not because of the distance exactly, but because that person never had the decency to say they didn’t want to be friends anymore.
If there’s anything I value (aside from money and my own peace of mind), it’s clear communication. If you don’t like me, then tell me why. You don’t want to talk to me anymore? Sure, just let me know. But don’t slink away like a coward never to have us hash things out. Whether it be a relative, a high school friend, a college friend (most of whom I would never truly call friends), old anime and blogging buddies, or even friends at work, once you pull this stunt you’re pretty much dead to me. There are no assumptions with me. If you don’t tell me outright, then it never happened – not in my head, not in my imagination, not ever. If you don’t speak it, it doesn’t exist. I can’t understand something that doesn’t exist, especially a conversation.
I’ve had too much time lately to reflect on life and those connected to me to care anymore about former or faux friends. Attempts to connect with these people are done, hopes that they’ll come around and explain themselves to me are gone. I’m going to expend much more mental energy on those that actually make time to talk to me, and hang out with me. Those coworkers that share my likes and passions; those friends that call me even though I rarely see them anymore; those family members that actually make a f*cking effort to be a part of my life; all those people will get a lot more focus and care. And saying this feels like a huge weight coming off my shoulders.
This post is not for the friends that have left or disappeared; it’s for the few that have truly stuck around and supported me. It doesn’t even having anything to do with this blog. This has to do with me reflecting back on my mortality, and the events or my life and saying that I appreciate you guys, and that this post is a testament to that. You guys are great, and I’ll never be able to truly pay back the time you spent speaking with recluse and weirdo like me.
Now there’s just one more thing I’ll have to make peace with, and I’ll be back to normal again. Hopefully. But that will take time. And I’m not looking forward to it.